Eliza's thoughts

(Written in character of one of my original RPG characters I used to play. She's a big game hunter from a steampunk Victorian world that's actually a computer program. She ran into a timelord (like the Doctor from the TV show Doctor Who) and fell head over heels for him. She traveled with him for some time, but he had to leave her. She saw him again about 6 months after being dropped off with a much older version of herself. He told her that he couldn't take her then and she had to wait and looked back at her older self. She ends up waiting 20 years before he come back for her. This would be shortly before he gets her in those 20 years.)

It's been years since I last saw Mal. Almost two decades. Sometimes I wonder if he was real. If all of the things we did were real. Or were they all a delusion I had in the asylum. I hate thinking about that damned place, but in those days I did imagine many things. Then I visit my old friend Baroness Lenix and she assures me he's real. Of course he is, he was the one that told the Baroness she wasn't human. I hate her sometimes for looking the same way now as she did then. She hasn't aged a day. I've tried to move on from Mal. I really have tried to find love somewhere else. I tried my short-lived romantic interest, Malcom Edwards, also not of this world. His obsession with me, his simple mind, and his name all drove me away. Not to mention his powers often scared me. I knew he would never intentionally hurt me, but he still does not have much control of his violet-coloured energy blasts. I tried courting other men to no avail. None of them mesmerized me like that man. The one with a shining silver space ship that he re-purposed to fly through time and space. I often find myself reminiscing on those days when we went forward and backward in time. Hopping from planet to planet. Oh the aliens I've met.Some days I wonder why he hasn't come to get me. I often dwell on how he took a shine to one of our traveling compatriots once. She was a little lying, manipulative tart from roughly my time. Delilah. She served him tea, made him biscuits, and waited on him hand and foot. She acted defenseless and weak until no one was looking. Then she threw knives with assassin precision, and stole from people. Mal never saw or thought much of it. He would sometimes point out things she did for him that I didn't. Since being left in my time without him I sometimes wonder if I had done those things for him, would he have left me? If I learned how to be a proper wife, would he return for me? In case I have learned to properly serve tea and bake. I'm learning to cook now, but that is not going well. All of the things I never learned because I grew up without my mother. I have wanted to ask Mal to take me back in time to meet her, but never did. Now, not knowing if he will return, I wish I had. My one chance to meet her might have disappeared the same day the love of my life did. I confessed to Mal that I loved him, but he never seemed to reciprocate my love to the same degree. He often kissed me, let me hold his hand or his arm, and we would often chat about the future, but not in the way many couples do. And often he would kiss people whom he though were brilliant for something they said or did, so I did not regard his kisses as something particularly special to me. I know I am mad to even consider being with a man how can outlive me by eleven lifetimes, a man whose mind moves faster than the vessel we traveled in, a man who is not of this world in the most literal sense. But one would think a man with two heart was more capable of loving and/or showing his love. I'm sure he loved me to some degree. I hope he loved me the same way I love him. I miss him dearly, and the past two decades have been quite lonely. I could find him on my own, but I trust that he will return for me. He promised. I saw myself with him later in my life. I've stared looking like that Eliza, and it makes me sad that nothing has happened. But I am hopeful that he will be coming soon. Soon my timelord will return, not a day aged on his face. I hope he still has the same face. I hope he hasn't regenerated without me. He's never quite the same when he does. Maybe he has and no longer wishes to have me as company. That is probably why he hasn't come. Will never come. He's changed and moved on from me. Maybe I should to try to find him then...No, he said he'd come for me. He promised. I have to wait...but for how much longer? I'm growing old and one day I will be too old to travel with him...Come for me soon Mr. Equis...Mal...my timelord...

Getting Older

Today while cleaning my church, my part-time job, I was thinking to myself how I don't feel like an adult. I've been very mature for my age since I was very young, so maybe I've caught up with my age. Maybe it's the fact I still can't drive, or that I'm still living with my parents. I just don't feel like I've gotten any older in the past 3 or 4 years. The only thing that I've done to act my age recently was go vote but that seems so mundane that I don't get that feeling of "Wow, I feel like a grown-up." But maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I need to stop growing up for a while and enjoy feeling young still. I mean, one day I'll be rubbing my aching bones and watching grandchildren run around my house, thinking, "God, where did all the time go?" I constantly upset myself unintentionally when I begin to think about death. As an objective commentator of death, it is sad, happy, peaceful, and hectic at the same time depending on which side you are on. I am Christian, but I can only hope that there's an afterlife of some sort. I think that to end someone brilliant when they die is a waste of pure positive energy. I honestly believe that people are reincarnated, not to do better or gain rank like in Hinduism, but to continue or start doing good for the world or themselves. I agree with the personification of the TARDIS from the most recent episode of Doctor Who in that "alive" is a big, complicated, and sad word. She said "It's sad when it's over." But who says that it ends? I don't think it ever does. I don't even mean in a philosophical way that by being remembered one lives on, but literally. In a scientific reasoning, the energy does not dissipate, but transfers into another form. But when I think about it, and think that maybe I'm wrong. The idea that after we die that's it. Nothing else. Just gone. That makes me so sad. Maybe it's my youth talking, but I don't want to die if I'm just gone. I was to continue making myself better, make the world better, learn more, see more, do more. Thinking that maybe I won't get a chance to do things, even in another life, just makes me weep in my bed when I can't fall asleep. That's mostly when I think of these things. Trying to sleep. I'll probably do the same when I drift into "the big sleep" too. At least I hope.

Exams

I've been really busy recently, and procrastination finally caught up with me. I got everything done, It was just hectic. Now I'm preparing for finals and it's a big relief. I'm not taking summer classes so I'll have some free time. I've been thinking of getting a summer job, but I don't know. I've had jobs before, but nothing like most jobs, so I really have no idea what having one is really like. I'm afraid to work retail because I can't take having to try to sell things to people. I'm thinking maybe I could work at the Eye Masters near my house because I could make a good case to sell glasses since I wear them and get them from that store. But I'd like a job in the long run where I don't have to do a lot of outside work like presentations, paperwork, and that kind of thing. That's why being a Psychiatrist seems good to me. I mean, I don't exactly what one does now because I haven't studied to be one very much, but it seems that it's all in the work day. Little paperwork and writing prescriptions are no big deal. But anyway, I was checking in because I felt bad for not posting in a while.

Procrastination

Procrastination has finally gotten the better of me. Out of all my years in school, putting off assignments and finishing them last-minute, I have met my match. I didn't read a book for a class and I was too fond of the professor to lie. I won't name the book, but I just cannot enjoy this book, and thus I cannot read it. The author describes irrelevant details and flashes between past and present entirely too often for a reader to fluidly understand the story at hand. One minute she's cooking while pregnant, then meeting her husband for the first time, then she's walking around the hospital, then she's moving to America, and then she's giving birth. It's hard to follow especially when one of the most detailed paragraphs describes what food she is eating because of her pregnancy cravings. That's not even all of the first chapter. I emailed my professor saying that I was sorry, but I would not meet the deadline from reading the book. I could watch the movie, which I hear is very accurate to the book, but I would still not be doing the assignment based on the book. I don't know why I feel bad enough to tell the truth to my professor. Usually in the past I have bombed the quiz/test/writing/whatever and compensated for it in other grades. No big deal. But why do I now feel compelled to come clean? I have no idea. Another reason that this book is so hard to read right now is the fact I was in the middle of reading one of the books in The Hunger Games series and about to finish the series. That series was so well written, so beautifully executed that reading something like my assignment was just impossible. It didn't hold a match, let alone a candle to The Hunger Games series. On top of that I have been hijacked by my periodic gaming obsessions. Recently I was forced to play Mass Effect by my boyfriend, and ended up loving it. I loved it so much I finished the entire main story in 2 days and the side missions in another 2. Then I got Mass Effect 2 today and had to transfer my character in. Well it's not just a simple "Transferring....done" it was a melding of two story lines that involved my beloved Katherine Shepard losing her ship and watching the crew escape as she was plunged into outer space and suffocated. Then she's brought back to life over the course of 2 years by an organization that her military hated. So needless to say I didn't stop after my character was transferred over. College isn't that hard for me, but this time I really hit a snag. Plus I have other assignments and tests to do on my online classes soon. And I need to sign up for a 5K race for my P.E. class. Fuuu----

Sucker Punch

SPOILERS WARNING

What an amazing movie. I am deeply interested in Psychology and this movie definitely grabbed that part of me. It shows how strong the human mind is. The main character and later her companions create imaginary situations to cope with the situation they are in and use it to try to escape. The main character, only known as Babydoll, is scheduled to be lobotomized because her father was abusing her and her sister and since she accidentally killed her sister, she could get off because he meant to hurt him. So her father payed the crooked owner of the mental hospital to have her lobotomized. This movie makes the therapist a hero, a savior, a "guardian angel" to those who are imprisoned in the crooked asylum. I love this because that is what I want to be for people. Someone to save them from one of the scariest things in the world: their own mind and guilt. Using that same power used for destruction to save them. "You have all the weapons you need to escape. Now fight." And that's what they did, they fought against the wrongs done against them and achieved "freedom." Even if that freedom was death, to them it was better than the situation they were in. They fought to the death to change what was wrong. And for many, fighting those kinds of demons is like fighting a war, as the movie shows in an imaginary sequence with all of the women fighting samurai, demons, steampunk nazi cyborg zombies, and dragons. Babydoll did escape in the end because she sacrificed herself to let the one known as Sweet Pea to escape. Someone got to live for them. And she escaped because once she was lobotomized, she took the pleasure away from those trying to sexually abuse her. And because of the guilt the nurses had, the crooked owner got turned in and told the police about her father. In the end there was justice. It came at a great price, but Babydoll payed that so that at least one of them could live a normal life. So wonderful. The music, the colors, the costumes, the CGI, the energy flow, all of it was perfect.

Penny Arcade! - Compare And Contrast

Penny Arcade! - Compare And Contrast

Unexpected family time

My mom and I have our ups and downs in our relationship, but overall she's great. Today we got to talking about soap operas because I scoffed at how much she, my dad, my sister, my aunt, and my uncle watch them. She started to explain what some of them have been like in general over the years since all of then except my sister have been watching them for about 25 years. She explained how some are more realistic, and some border on the science fiction, which I liked the sound of. She told me that that was her dose of guilt-free drama since it wasn't real and/or happening to her or people she really knew. I told her that I had the same reason to play my tabletop roleplay games. The one I play in are mostly to tell a dramatic story about romance AND action. Honestly, without romance there would be no action when it comes down to it. Without people having babies, nothing would exist, but that's off topic. Once the soap opera was over mom showed me that she bought a Richard Simmons video since she's gotten to frail to do exercise with our church group. She wanted my dad to work out with her, but he hasn't yet, so I volunteered. We worked out to Richard Simmon's ab workout tape from 1997 and it was a good workout. Then, because my niece wanted to do another workout with me, she started on her homework. I ended up helping her some and talking with her which we don't much even though we live in the same house. We didn't do the workout, but it was nice to sit with her. Then my aunt came over after working out with our church group and we ended up talking about our hair and eventually heath things. It was okay until she mentioned that I was getting chubby from sitting at the computer all the time before I started working out. Sigh. But overall today I really bonded with my family in a way I haven't in a long time. I'm sure once I'm old enough to legally drink, and they won't feel bad about letting me drink at family gatherings, we'll be a lot closer. Everyone's looking forward to my 21st birthday. Until next time lovlies.

New Start

I forgot I had this account, and now I'm going to have a tabula rasa. Starting over. I still won't update it a lot, but I will post. Probably some sketches, tabletop role play game session summaries, random blurps, and rants when I have strong feelings about something. I will not be posting my friends' real names. I hold secrets, and I'm not going to throw them away online. Well, I hope you have fun reading this, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Blog Reader.