Eliza's thoughts

(Written in character of one of my original RPG characters I used to play. She's a big game hunter from a steampunk Victorian world that's actually a computer program. She ran into a timelord (like the Doctor from the TV show Doctor Who) and fell head over heels for him. She traveled with him for some time, but he had to leave her. She saw him again about 6 months after being dropped off with a much older version of herself. He told her that he couldn't take her then and she had to wait and looked back at her older self. She ends up waiting 20 years before he come back for her. This would be shortly before he gets her in those 20 years.)

It's been years since I last saw Mal. Almost two decades. Sometimes I wonder if he was real. If all of the things we did were real. Or were they all a delusion I had in the asylum. I hate thinking about that damned place, but in those days I did imagine many things. Then I visit my old friend Baroness Lenix and she assures me he's real. Of course he is, he was the one that told the Baroness she wasn't human. I hate her sometimes for looking the same way now as she did then. She hasn't aged a day. I've tried to move on from Mal. I really have tried to find love somewhere else. I tried my short-lived romantic interest, Malcom Edwards, also not of this world. His obsession with me, his simple mind, and his name all drove me away. Not to mention his powers often scared me. I knew he would never intentionally hurt me, but he still does not have much control of his violet-coloured energy blasts. I tried courting other men to no avail. None of them mesmerized me like that man. The one with a shining silver space ship that he re-purposed to fly through time and space. I often find myself reminiscing on those days when we went forward and backward in time. Hopping from planet to planet. Oh the aliens I've met.Some days I wonder why he hasn't come to get me. I often dwell on how he took a shine to one of our traveling compatriots once. She was a little lying, manipulative tart from roughly my time. Delilah. She served him tea, made him biscuits, and waited on him hand and foot. She acted defenseless and weak until no one was looking. Then she threw knives with assassin precision, and stole from people. Mal never saw or thought much of it. He would sometimes point out things she did for him that I didn't. Since being left in my time without him I sometimes wonder if I had done those things for him, would he have left me? If I learned how to be a proper wife, would he return for me? In case I have learned to properly serve tea and bake. I'm learning to cook now, but that is not going well. All of the things I never learned because I grew up without my mother. I have wanted to ask Mal to take me back in time to meet her, but never did. Now, not knowing if he will return, I wish I had. My one chance to meet her might have disappeared the same day the love of my life did. I confessed to Mal that I loved him, but he never seemed to reciprocate my love to the same degree. He often kissed me, let me hold his hand or his arm, and we would often chat about the future, but not in the way many couples do. And often he would kiss people whom he though were brilliant for something they said or did, so I did not regard his kisses as something particularly special to me. I know I am mad to even consider being with a man how can outlive me by eleven lifetimes, a man whose mind moves faster than the vessel we traveled in, a man who is not of this world in the most literal sense. But one would think a man with two heart was more capable of loving and/or showing his love. I'm sure he loved me to some degree. I hope he loved me the same way I love him. I miss him dearly, and the past two decades have been quite lonely. I could find him on my own, but I trust that he will return for me. He promised. I saw myself with him later in my life. I've stared looking like that Eliza, and it makes me sad that nothing has happened. But I am hopeful that he will be coming soon. Soon my timelord will return, not a day aged on his face. I hope he still has the same face. I hope he hasn't regenerated without me. He's never quite the same when he does. Maybe he has and no longer wishes to have me as company. That is probably why he hasn't come. Will never come. He's changed and moved on from me. Maybe I should to try to find him then...No, he said he'd come for me. He promised. I have to wait...but for how much longer? I'm growing old and one day I will be too old to travel with him...Come for me soon Mr. Equis...Mal...my timelord...

Getting Older

Today while cleaning my church, my part-time job, I was thinking to myself how I don't feel like an adult. I've been very mature for my age since I was very young, so maybe I've caught up with my age. Maybe it's the fact I still can't drive, or that I'm still living with my parents. I just don't feel like I've gotten any older in the past 3 or 4 years. The only thing that I've done to act my age recently was go vote but that seems so mundane that I don't get that feeling of "Wow, I feel like a grown-up." But maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I need to stop growing up for a while and enjoy feeling young still. I mean, one day I'll be rubbing my aching bones and watching grandchildren run around my house, thinking, "God, where did all the time go?" I constantly upset myself unintentionally when I begin to think about death. As an objective commentator of death, it is sad, happy, peaceful, and hectic at the same time depending on which side you are on. I am Christian, but I can only hope that there's an afterlife of some sort. I think that to end someone brilliant when they die is a waste of pure positive energy. I honestly believe that people are reincarnated, not to do better or gain rank like in Hinduism, but to continue or start doing good for the world or themselves. I agree with the personification of the TARDIS from the most recent episode of Doctor Who in that "alive" is a big, complicated, and sad word. She said "It's sad when it's over." But who says that it ends? I don't think it ever does. I don't even mean in a philosophical way that by being remembered one lives on, but literally. In a scientific reasoning, the energy does not dissipate, but transfers into another form. But when I think about it, and think that maybe I'm wrong. The idea that after we die that's it. Nothing else. Just gone. That makes me so sad. Maybe it's my youth talking, but I don't want to die if I'm just gone. I was to continue making myself better, make the world better, learn more, see more, do more. Thinking that maybe I won't get a chance to do things, even in another life, just makes me weep in my bed when I can't fall asleep. That's mostly when I think of these things. Trying to sleep. I'll probably do the same when I drift into "the big sleep" too. At least I hope.

Exams

I've been really busy recently, and procrastination finally caught up with me. I got everything done, It was just hectic. Now I'm preparing for finals and it's a big relief. I'm not taking summer classes so I'll have some free time. I've been thinking of getting a summer job, but I don't know. I've had jobs before, but nothing like most jobs, so I really have no idea what having one is really like. I'm afraid to work retail because I can't take having to try to sell things to people. I'm thinking maybe I could work at the Eye Masters near my house because I could make a good case to sell glasses since I wear them and get them from that store. But I'd like a job in the long run where I don't have to do a lot of outside work like presentations, paperwork, and that kind of thing. That's why being a Psychiatrist seems good to me. I mean, I don't exactly what one does now because I haven't studied to be one very much, but it seems that it's all in the work day. Little paperwork and writing prescriptions are no big deal. But anyway, I was checking in because I felt bad for not posting in a while.